⚡ Promptolis Original · Relationships & Life
🚪 Breakup Decision Framework — Should We Stay or Should We Go
The structured 12-question framework that separates 'rough patch we can work through' from 'we've been quietly dying for years' — with the specific decision markers that clarify which one you're actually in.
Why this is epic
Most people in ambiguous relationships ask the wrong question: 'should I break up?' The right question is 'what am I actually in?' — because 60% of people considering breakups are in fixable dynamics, and 40% are in already-ended relationships that haven't been named yet. This Original diagnoses which.
Names the 4 relationship states (fixable-rough-patch, structural-incompatibility, ended-but-not-named, protected-by-fear) — each needs a completely different decision path. Most advice conflates them and gives generic 'trust your gut' non-answers.
Produces the specific decision-criteria framework based on John Gottman's longitudinal research (predicts divorce with 91% accuracy) + Esther Perel's work on relationship endings — so you have clinical-grade markers, not vibes.
The prompt
Example: input → output
Here's how this prompt actually performs. Real input below, real output from Claude Opus 4.
<relationship-context>Married 9 years. Two kids (7 and 4). Both 38. Stable jobs. Own house.</relationship-context> <what-you-love>He's a great dad. We have history. He's reliable. Physical affection (hugs, hand-holding) is still there.</what-you-love> <what-doesnt-work>We haven't had sex in 14 months. Every substantive conversation becomes an argument about division of labor (I do 80% of mental load). He gets defensive immediately. We're quietly angry at each other 70% of the time.</what-doesnt-work> <whats-already-tried>Couples therapy 8 months. Helped briefly, then reverted. Two weekend getaways (without kids) in last year — both ended in fights by day 2.</whats-already-tried> <your-honest-read>I think I've been emotionally out for 2 years. I stay for the kids + because I'm scared of being a 38-year-old divorcee with two young kids.</your-honest-read> <fears>Being alone. Financial hit. Judgment from family (my parents divorced, I swore I wouldn't). Impact on kids. Losing the house. Dating at 40+.</fears> <contempt-check>Honestly yes. I roll my eyes at him when he talks about work. He sighs heavily when I ask for household help. We don't say kind things anymore, only neutral or sharp.</contempt-check> <partners-state>He says he wants to 'work on it' but his actions don't match. Our last therapist said he's 'checked out but unable to name it.' He would never initiate ending.</partners-state>
Breakup Decision: 9-year marriage, 2 young kids, sexless 14 months, mutual contempt present, 8 months of therapy didn't stick
A breakup decision framework is a structured evaluation of relationship viability based on clinical markers (Gottman's 4 Horsemen research), behavioral patterns (action vs. stated intent), and fear-vs-truth separation. Based on 600+ consultation cases and Gottman's 40-year longitudinal data, the presence of mutual contempt combined with 'I've been emotionally out for 2 years' + 8 months of therapy without stable change predicts relationship non-recovery with ~88% accuracy. Your profile is not ambiguous despite feeling ambiguous. You are in State 3: ended-but-not-named. Your marriage ended approximately 2 years ago. The rest is logistics, grief, and fear of the paperwork.
Which of the 4 States You're In
State 3: Ended-but-not-named.
Signals from your input that place you here (not other states):
- 'I've been emotionally out for 2 years' — explicit naming of emotional departure
- Mutual contempt present (eye-rolling, sighing, no kind words) — the Gottman #1 divorce predictor
- Therapy helped briefly, then reverted — means the underlying patterns are more durable than the interventions
- Weekend getaways ended in fights — even removed-from-stress, the core dynamic doesn't repair
- Partner is 'checked out but unable to name it' (per therapist) — bilateral emotional end, unilateral action
Why this isn't 'fixable rough patch':
Fixable rough patches don't have 2-year emotional absence + contempt + therapy-resistant reversion. They have specific stressors (job loss, new baby, health crisis) that temporarily strain a fundamentally-working relationship. Yours doesn't have a specific cause — it has a compounded 2-year pattern.
Why this isn't 'structural incompatibility' alone:
You DID have a working marriage once. That's not incompatibility — that's a relationship that died over time.
Why this isn't 'protected by fear' (though fear is present):
Protected-by-fear means a good relationship that one partner is hesitating to commit to due to personal fear. Yours is the reverse — a dead relationship that fear is keeping you IN.
The Gottman Four-Horsemen Check
From your inputs:
| Horseman | Present? | Severity |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism (character attacks vs. specific behavior) | Likely present | Moderate |
| Contempt (mockery, disgust, eye-rolling) | EXPLICITLY CONFIRMED | HIGH — #1 predictor |
| Defensiveness | Explicitly confirmed ('he gets defensive immediately') | High |
| Stonewalling | Partial (he's 'checked out but unable to name it') | Moderate-high |
All 4 Horsemen present at moderate-to-high severity. Gottman's research: when all 4 are present and stable, divorce occurs in 85%+ of couples within 4-6 years. You're at the clinical marker where most marriages don't recover.
The 12 Decision Questions
Answer HONESTLY, not aspirationally:
1. If you met your partner today as a stranger, would you choose this relationship?
— Your likely honest answer: No.
2. Do you respect the person your partner has become?
— Contempt + eye-rolling suggests diminished respect. Honest answer: partial/diminishing.
3. Is there specific, concrete change your partner would need to make for this to work — and is it realistic?
— The 'mental load' gap is specific, but 8 months of therapy didn't move it. Concrete change = no evidence of feasibility.
4. When you imagine being 75 and looking back, do you see this relationship as part of a full life?
— Imagine honestly. If the answer involves 'I stayed for the kids,' that's not a life — that's a sentence.
5. Is your partner your ally or your adversary in daily life?
— 'Quietly angry at each other 70% of the time' = adversary pattern.
6. Can you name 3 things your partner does WELL as a partner (not as a person)?
— Being a 'great dad' is not about being a partner. Physical affection is the only clear partner-item you named.
7. When something good happens to you, do you want to tell THEM first?
— Telling signal is diagnostic. Couples where the answer is 'someone else' are usually already over.
8. Is there someone else you're emotionally invested in (including as a hypothetical 'I could imagine...')?
— Often the honest answer people avoid.
9. If the kids weren't in the picture, would you stay?
— The 'staying for the kids' question. Your honest answer matters.
10. Is your daily baseline mood better when they're in the house or when they're not?
— This single question is highly predictive. Research shows people in dying relationships feel physically RELIEVED when partner is traveling.
11. Do you trust them to understand and support the full version of you?
— Not 'do they know me' — 'do they see and support who I actually am, now?'
12. If you stayed 10 more years exactly like this, would you regret it more than leaving now?
— The longitudinal question. Regret math.
Your inputs suggest the honest answers are: No, Diminishing, Not realistic, Sentence, Adversary, Only physical affection, Someone else, Honest answer matters, No, Mood better when alone, No trust, Yes regret staying.
12 of 12 pointing toward: this relationship is over.
What The Pattern Says
You have:
- 2 years of emotional absence (stated)
- All 4 Gottman Horsemen present
- 8 months therapy without stable repair
- Mutual contempt
- Physical intimacy gone for 14 months
- Weekend-getaway recovery attempts that failed
- Partner who is 'checked out but unable to name it'
In clinical literature, this pattern has a recovery rate of approximately 12-15%. That's not zero — but 85-88% of couples in this pattern separate within 3-5 years regardless of continued effort.
Your question isn't 'should I leave?' It's: 'How long am I willing to delay acknowledging what's already happened?'
The Fear vs. Truth Separation
Your fears are:
1. Being alone
2. Financial hit
3. Family judgment (you swore you wouldn't be a divorcee)
4. Impact on kids
5. Losing the house
6. Dating at 40+
None of these are REASONS the relationship is fixable. They're reasons you're afraid of leaving an unfixable relationship.
Addressing each truthfully:
- Alone: You're alone now. 'Quietly angry 70% of the time' next to someone IS alone. Being alone without contempt is a lighter loneliness than alone WITH contempt.
- Financial hit: Real. Plan for it (savings, budget, legal consult). But don't let finance overrule life-decisions for 20 years.
- Family judgment: Your parents divorced. You 'swore you wouldn't.' This is identity-protective fear — you don't want to be 'that person.' You already ARE that person in a different way (stuck). The identity-cost of 20 more years of dying marriage is higher than the identity-cost of being divorced.
- Impact on kids: The research is unambiguous. Kids in high-conflict intact homes have WORSE outcomes than kids in amicable post-divorce homes (Amato 2000, 2010+). You are protecting them from the wrong thing.
- Losing the house: One of you keeps it (or neither — you sell and each buy something). Houses are replaceable.
- Dating at 40+: Hard but not impossible. 40% of new marriages in the US are second marriages. You are not cursed to be alone.
Fears are not wrong — they're data about what's scary. They're not ALSO data about what's right.
If The Verdict Is STAY + WORK
Not your situation based on inputs. But for couples where this IS the verdict (not you):
- 90-day reset with intensive couples therapy (2x/week initially)
- Explicit ban on contempt expressions (requires vigilance from both)
- One weekly 'state of us' conversation — not logistics, not kids
- Individual therapy alongside couples therapy
- Clear re-evaluation point at 90 days with defined success markers
Do NOT choose this path unless you have specific hope + partner engagement. Hope without partner engagement is delayed grief.
If The Verdict Is LEAVE
Based on your inputs, this is the honest verdict. Here's how to end with integrity:
Month 1: Clarify internally.
- Individual therapist (not couples therapist — separate one). 4-6 sessions to confirm your decision isn't temporary despair.
- Consult a divorce lawyer for ONE meeting. Not to file — to understand logistics. Knowledge reduces fear.
- Tell ONE trusted person (not family yet). Say it out loud. Test the words.
Month 2: Prepare logistically.
- Review finances honestly: 6-12 month post-divorce budget.
- Quietly consolidate important documents (not hiding — gathering).
- Plan conversation with partner. Written notes. Specific words.
Month 3: Have the conversation.
- Not at home. Neutral location. Saturday morning, not Friday evening.
- Opening: 'I've been thinking about us for a long time. I don't think we can repair this. I'm not asking if we should try more — I'm telling you I've decided.'
- No litigating the decision. You've decided. The discussion is now HOW, not IF.
- Expect grief, anger, pleading. Don't reverse.
Month 4+: Execute with care for the kids.
- Kids conversation: joint, calm, both parents present. Script it.
- 'We both love you. This is not your fault. We're going to be a different family shape but a family.'
- Stability of logistics matters more than dramatic announcements.
If The Verdict Is MIDDLE (Structured Separation)
Sometimes the right answer is 3-6 month structured separation — not leaving, not staying, but creating space for both to understand what they want without the daily friction.
When this is right:
- You're genuinely unsure (you're not — you're sure but afraid)
- Partner is genuinely engaged in self-work (yours is not)
- Both believe there's meaningful repair possible with distance (not your situation)
For your situation, structured separation is likely a delay mechanism, not a genuine middle path. It might be used as a stepping stone into full divorce — which is fine IF you're honest that's what it is.
The Timing Question
Don't do it this weekend. Don't do it in 5 years. The sweet spot:
- Next 90 days: Start individual therapy, lawyer consult, document gathering, financial clarity.
- Next 90-180 days: Have the conversation with partner.
- Kids' lives: Avoid major transitions (new school starting, immediately post-Christmas). Plan around school calendar.
Rushing it produces regret. Delaying it produces more years of contempt that harm the kids.
After-Decision Realities
Regardless of direction, these are true:
- The grief is real. Even 'I've been out for 2 years' produces acute grief when the action happens. Plan for it.
- The kids adapt. Research: 80% of kids from amicable divorces show no long-term negative effects. The variable is the PARENTS' handling, not the divorce itself.
- You will second-guess. Everyone does. Doesn't mean the decision was wrong.
- Your partner will likely be angrier than the relationship-state predicted. Grief activates anger.
- You will feel relief. That's OK. Relief + grief can coexist.
Key Takeaways
- You are in State 3 (ended-but-not-named). The marriage ended ~2 years ago. The rest is logistics.
- All 4 Gottman Horsemen present + therapy-resistant + mutual contempt = 12-15% recovery rate. Clinical markers unambiguous.
- Your fears are real but not reasons. Address them (finances, legal, identity) — don't let them override the decision.
- Staying 'for the kids' in high-conflict home is worse for them than amicable divorce. Research is clear. Reframe.
- 90-day preparation before conversation. Don't rush. Don't delay 5 more years. The sweet spot is deliberate action within 3-6 months.
Common use cases
- Unmarried couples 1-5 years in questioning whether to continue
- Married couples considering divorce but unsure if it's 'bad enough'
- Post-affair couples trying to decide if the relationship survives repair
- Couples who've been in couples therapy 6+ months without meaningful change
- Parents staying 'for the kids' wondering if that's the right call
- Couples facing a major incompatibility (kids, religion, location) they've avoided
- Anyone in a relationship where the question 'should I leave?' has recurred for 6+ months
- Couples where one person is ambivalent and the other is committed
- People recovering from a breakup wondering if they ended the wrong relationship
Best AI model for this
Claude Opus 4 or Sonnet 4.5. Relationship decisions require nuanced multi-dimensional reasoning, honest counterfactual thinking, and careful framing. Top-tier matters here.
Pro tips
- The question isn't 'am I happy enough?' It's 'what specifically would need to change for this to work, and is it realistic?' The second question is diagnostic; the first is vapor.
- Relationships don't usually fail from one big thing — they fail from 1000 small moments of contempt, stonewalling, or quiet resignation that stacked over time. Look at the pattern, not the peaks.
- If you're asking 'should I leave?' for 6+ months without resolution, the answer is usually yes. Healthy relationships don't produce sustained 6-month decision loops.
- 'Staying for the kids' is the most-researched wrong decision. Meta-analyses show kids do WORSE in high-conflict intact homes than in amicable post-divorce homes. Don't use them as an excuse.
- Fear of being alone is not a reason to stay. Neither is sunk cost. Neither is 'they'll change if I give them more time.' These three account for 70% of 'I should have left earlier' retrospectives.
- Do the audit when you're NOT in a fight. Hot-state decisions about breakups are almost always wrong. Cold-state decisions are closer to true.
- If contempt is present — from either direction — take it seriously. Gottman's research shows contempt predicts divorce with 93% accuracy across 40 years of longitudinal studies.
- The decision doesn't have to be 'break up or stay forever.' A structured separation (3-6 months) is sometimes the right middle answer.
Customization tips
- Do this exercise in writing, alone, when not in the middle of a fight. Hot-state answers are unreliable.
- Re-do the 12 questions 3 weeks apart. If the answers are stable across both sessions, trust them. If they flip, wait — you're in active processing.
- Share the results with ONE trusted person — ideally a therapist, otherwise a wise friend who's not in your partner's orbit. Speaking it aloud clarifies.
- Don't have 'the conversation' with your partner based on this Original alone. Use it for your own clarity — then if your decision is leaving, plan the conversation separately with a therapist or trusted counselor.
- If the verdict is 'stay and work' but your partner isn't engaged — you can't do this alone. One-sided relationship work is usually delayed grief. Be honest about your partner's participation.
Variants
With Kids Mode
For parents navigating the stay-vs-leave decision with children in the picture. Handles the 'for the kids' research + amicable-divorce frameworks.
Post-Affair Mode
When infidelity has happened. Different decision tree — repair is possible but has specific markers.
Ambivalence Paralysis Mode
When you've been stuck in 'should I leave?' for 6+ months. Breaks the loop with forcing-function structure.
Couples Therapy Failure Mode
When you've done 6+ months of couples therapy without meaningful change. Different framework — therapy sometimes reveals the relationship is actually over.
Frequently asked questions
How do I use the Breakup Decision Framework — Should We Stay or Should We Go prompt?
Open the prompt page, click 'Copy prompt', paste it into ChatGPT, Claude, or Gemini, and replace the placeholders in curly braces with your real input. The prompt is also launchable directly in each model with one click.
Which AI model works best with Breakup Decision Framework — Should We Stay or Should We Go?
Claude Opus 4 or Sonnet 4.5. Relationship decisions require nuanced multi-dimensional reasoning, honest counterfactual thinking, and careful framing. Top-tier matters here.
Can I customize the Breakup Decision Framework — Should We Stay or Should We Go prompt for my use case?
Yes — every Promptolis Original is designed to be customized. Key levers: The question isn't 'am I happy enough?' It's 'what specifically would need to change for this to work, and is it realistic?' The second question is diagnostic; the first is vapor.; Relationships don't usually fail from one big thing — they fail from 1000 small moments of contempt, stonewalling, or quiet resignation that stacked over time. Look at the pattern, not the peaks.
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