⚡ Promptolis Original · Relationships & Life
🚩 Dating Early Red Flag Detector — Dates 1-5
Clarity in dating comes fast — usually by date 3-5. Structured audit of what you've been minimizing. Not paranoia…
Why this is epic
Relationship research consistently shows: most red flags are visible in first 3-5 dates if you're willing to see them. The problem isn't that flags are hidden; the problem is that attraction + optimism + dating-fatigue make us minimize what we're noticing. This prompt makes the minimizing conscious.
Structured audit: 12 common red-flag patterns, rated 0-3 (not present / subtle / clear / alarming). The scoring surface-ifies what you've been averaging-out. Total score above threshold = pause; investigate; don't deepen.
Distinguishes genuine red flags from personal-pet-peeves. 'He's vegan and I'm not' isn't a red flag; 'he got angry at the waitress when order was wrong' is. Helps you tell the difference.
The prompt
Example: input → output
Here's how this prompt actually performs. Real input below, real output from Claude Opus 4.
<dates-so-far>4 dates over 3 weeks</dates-so-far> <what-you-like>Smart, funny, attractive, successful career, seems financially stable, similar life goals (wants kids, wants to stay in this city)</what-you-like> <what-youve-noticed>A few things I've been noticing but telling myself they're fine: (1) He's been 15-20 min late to 3 of 4 dates without much apology, (2) He talks a lot about his ex negatively — like a lot, (3) On date 3 he got visibly annoyed with the waiter who forgot his drink, tone was sharper than I'd expect, (4) He's asked me many questions about my job/family/interests but I realize I don't know much specific about his feelings or why he's dating now</what-youve-noticed> <your-attachment-tendency>Anxious — I tend to minimize warning signs</your-attachment-tendency> <dating-fatigue-level>Moderate — been dating 8 months post-breakup</dating-fatigue-level> <past-relationship-patterns>Last relationship: he was charming early, gradually revealed he had contempt for a lot of people (my friends, service workers, coworkers he thought were beneath him). Took me 18 months to see it clearly.</past-relationship-patterns>
Your 12-Point Audit
Rate each 0-3:
1. Punctuality + respect for your time: 2 (clear)
15-20 min late 3 of 4 dates without much apology is a clear pattern, not a one-off. This signals how he'll treat your time long-term.
2. How he treats service workers / people 'beneath' him: 2 (clear, given past context)
Sharp tone with waiter on date 3. You're extra-sensitive to this because of past relationship. That sensitivity is EARNED — past-you missed it with ex; present-you is seeing it. Trust the noticing.
3. Talking about ex / previous relationships: 2 (clear)
Talking 'a lot' about ex negatively on dates 1-4 signals either unprocessed recent breakup OR contempt-as-character-pattern. Either way, he's not fully present for new connection.
4. Reciprocal curiosity about you: 1 (subtle — present but asymmetric)
He asks YOU many questions. YOU don't know much about his feelings / reasons for dating. This asymmetry is telling — you're being evaluated; he's not being known. Classic early pattern for later disappointment.
5. Emotional availability / vulnerability: 1-2
Related to #4. Questions without reciprocal self-revelation = not genuinely vulnerable.
6. Anger patterns (even small): 2 (clear)
Waiter incident. Small moment; significant signal. Contempt for service workers is a well-documented predictor of how he'll treat you when you disappoint him.
7. Accountability (owns when wrong): Unknown / 1
Not much data yet but 'late without much apology' suggests minimal ownership of impact.
8. Alignment on major life direction: 0 (match)
Kids, city, career — aligned. Good.
9. Pace of physical/emotional escalation: Unknown
10. How he talks about family-of-origin: Unknown
11. Substance use patterns: Unknown
12. How he handles small disagreement: Unknown
Your Score Interpretation
Clear-flags score: 8 (4 categories at 2)
Subtle-flags score: 2-3 (1-2 categories at 1)
Total concerning signals: 4 clear + 1-2 subtle = 5-6 out of 12 categories
Threshold interpretation:
- 0-2 concerning categories: pretty clean, continue noticing
- 3-4: pause + investigate + consider whether to continue
- 5-6+: significant pattern; typically step back is warranted
You're in 'significant pattern' territory. And your past-relationship pattern EXACTLY matches what you're seeing now (charming early + contempt-for-others visible only if you look).
Your Green Flag Check
What I DON'T see in your 'what you like' list:
- His active kindness toward you or others
- Specific accountability moments
- His curiosity about your feelings (vs. your facts)
- Emotional availability / vulnerability
- How he handles your pushback or disagreement
'Smart, funny, attractive, successful career, financially stable' are absence-of-problems, not active green flags. Green flags are: he apologized without prompting when he realized he was 20 min late. He asked about your feelings not just your facts. He defended a junior colleague he saw being mistreated. These aren't in your list.
Pattern-Match With Past
Your past relationship: charming early + contempt for others visible only in year 1-2 + took 18 months to see clearly.
Current person: charming (4 dates in 3 weeks) + contempt for ex (visible) + contempt for waiter (visible) + asymmetric curiosity.
This is the same pattern, showing up faster because you're more vigilant. That's good. Your nervous system is doing what it's supposed to do — warn you in year zero instead of year two.
Recommendation
Step back. Not 'dump dramatically.' Just slow down.
Specific actions:
1. Don't schedule date 5 yet. Wait a week.
2. Before date 5 (if you do have it): ask him one specific question you actually want to understand. Not facts about his life — feelings. 'Why are you dating now?' 'What are you hoping to find?' 'What happened in your last relationship that you're still processing?' See what he reveals.
3. On date 5 (if you have it): pay active attention to #4, #5, #6, #7. Specifically notice: does he own anything? Does he reveal feelings or just facts? Does anger show up at anything? Does he ask about YOUR feelings?
4. If additional data doesn't shift the pattern: end it. Three more dates gathering confirming data is the anxious-attachment move; ending at date 4-5 before deeper investment is the healthy move.
You mentioned you're anxious-attached and tend to minimize. I'm giving you the most directive version because your pattern is to soften. If your attachment was secure, I might say 'pause + investigate more.' You tend to investigate into relationship-in-18-months; skip to decision faster.
If You Want to Continue Despite These Signals
It's your choice. If you do:
- Commit to ACTIVE noticing — not minimizing. Journal after each date.
- Watch for the specific things you missed with ex: contempt for service workers, contempt for coworkers, talking badly about people not present.
- Set a 3-date ceiling. If dates 5-7 don't reveal active kindness + accountability + reciprocal vulnerability, step back regardless of chemistry.
- Don't introduce him to friends/family for at least 8-10 dates. Their outside perspective may catch what chemistry hides.
- Don't sleep with him yet if you haven't. Physical intimacy bonds you; decision clarity is harder after. (This is your call; naming the dynamic.)
Safety note: If you notice any escalation pattern — possessiveness, jealousy, attempting to isolate you from friends, love-bombing followed by criticism, physical intimidation — that's past-red-flag territory into abuse-pattern territory. National DV Hotline 1-800-799-7233 has resources. You don't have to wait until something happens; patterns are predictive.
Common use cases
- After date 3 (where most red flags become visible)
- Reconsidering someone you've been seeing 1-3 months and 'something feels off'
- Post-breakup dating — noticing patterns you missed in previous relationship
- Helping a friend evaluate someone they're dating
- Returning to dating after long relationship — recalibrating red-flag sensitivity
Best AI model for this
Opus 4 for nuanced judgment. Sonnet 4.5 acceptable.
Pro tips
- If you have to convince yourself they're a good fit, they're not. Clarity isn't forced.
- Green flags matter more than red flags. Someone can have 0 visible red flags and still lack green flags (active kindness, accountability, curiosity about you).
- 'Everyone has flaws' is true AND individual flaws matter more than overall 'flaws.' The specific flaw predicts specific future pain.
- Subtle red flags often matter more than obvious ones. Obvious ones you'll see anyway; subtle ones are where you'll wake up in 2 years asking 'how did I miss this.'
- Dating fatigue (3rd month+ of app dating) degrades your red-flag detection. Rest if depleted.
- Anxious-attachment folks tend to minimize flags; avoidant-attachment folks tend to over-flag. Know your tendency.
Customization tips
- For anxious-attached folks: lean into the directive recommendations. Your tendency is to minimize; trust the external directive.
- For avoidant-attached folks: this audit may over-flag. Sanity-check with trusted friend. Avoidant tendency is to exit at first mild discomfort; make sure you're not using red-flag language to exit when pattern is more 'mild discomfort with intimacy.'
- For trauma survivors: your vigilance is earned, not paranoid. Trust what you're noticing. Specific patterns associated with past abuse MATTER even if they're subtle.
- For LGBTQ+ folks specifically: homophobia (his or hers from family-of-origin) as potential flag if he's closeted in contexts he doesn't need to be. Outed-comfort-level mismatch.
- For dating someone with significant life-context difference (age, income, culture, religion): separate 'genuine pattern red flag' from 'I'm noticing difference.' Difference isn't red flag; contempt-for-your-context is.
- For helping a friend evaluate: share this framework. Ask them questions, don't tell them conclusion. They need to see for themselves.
Variants
Default After Date 3
Post-third-date audit
One-Month Reality Check
After 4-8 dates, 'something feels off'
Post-Divorce / Long-Relationship Return
Recalibrating red-flag sensitivity after long time away
Trauma-Informed Dating
For survivors of past abusive relationships — extra vigilance + specific patterns
Frequently asked questions
How do I use the Dating Early Red Flag Detector — Dates 1-5 prompt?
Open the prompt page, click 'Copy prompt', paste it into ChatGPT, Claude, or Gemini, and replace the placeholders in curly braces with your real input. The prompt is also launchable directly in each model with one click.
Which AI model works best with Dating Early Red Flag Detector — Dates 1-5?
Opus 4 for nuanced judgment. Sonnet 4.5 acceptable.
Can I customize the Dating Early Red Flag Detector — Dates 1-5 prompt for my use case?
Yes — every Promptolis Original is designed to be customized. Key levers: If you have to convince yourself they're a good fit, they're not. Clarity isn't forced.; Green flags matter more than red flags. Someone can have 0 visible red flags and still lack green flags (active kindness, accountability, curiosity about you).
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