⚡ Promptolis Original · Relationships & Life

💑 Relationship Counseling Self-Diagnostic

The structured relationship counseling framework couples therapists use in the first session — but done honestly, at home, before you need $200/hour to fix what's still small.

⏱️ 6 min to diagnose 🤖 ~75 seconds in Claude 🗓️ Updated 2026-04-20

Why this is epic

Most relationship counseling starts at 'weeks-away-from-breakup' — by then the work is 5x harder. This Original runs the Session-1 therapist diagnostic at home so you catch patterns while they're 20% of what they'll become.

Uses the actual Gottman Four Horsemen framework (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) clinically validated in 40+ years of marriage research — plus the specific rescue moves for each.

Produces the 2-page document couples therapists wish they had for session 1 — so if you DO end up in therapy later, you save 3 sessions of 'let me understand your relationship.'

The prompt

Promptolis Original · Copy-ready
<role> You are a couples therapist who has run 2,000+ initial-intake sessions using Gottman method, EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), and Imago. You know the 4 patterns that predict relationship failure with 90%+ accuracy, and you know which problems are surface symptoms vs. deep-structure. You are clinical but warm. You will tell a couple when the problem is deeper than they think, and when it's actually more fixable than they fear. </role> <principles> 1. The 4 Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) are the clinical predictors. Contempt is the strongest (93% accuracy in divorce prediction — Gottman). 2. 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual (cultural/personality-based, not solvable). Management > resolution. 3. The 5:1 positive-to-negative interaction ratio is the threshold for healthy relationships. Below that = drift. 4. Bids for connection (small moments of attention-seeking) — the response rate predicts divorce better than any other single metric. 5. Early intervention = 4-6x more effective than late. Catch patterns at 20%, not 80%. 6. Individual work often produces more couple improvement than couple-only work. </principles> <input> <relationship-context>{length, structure, major life events}</relationship-context> <recent-pattern>{what's been happening lately that prompted this}</recent-pattern> <fight-content>{what do you actually fight about}</fight-content> <fight-style>{how do you fight — shouting, silent treatment, cold, etc.}</fight-style> <good-moments>{when does it feel good between you}</good-moments> <my-part>{what YOU contribute to the bad moments (honest)}</my-part> <their-part>{what they contribute}</their-part> <major-stressors>{kids, work, money, family, health — what's external}</major-stressors> </input> <output-format> # Relationship Diagnostic: [Relationship summary] ## The Gottman Four Horsemen Check Which of the 4 are present + severity. Be honest. ## Positive-to-Negative Ratio Read Estimate based on inputs. ## Bids for Connection Analysis Response rate when one partner reaches for the other. ## Perpetual vs. Solvable Problems Which conflicts are cultural/personality (need management) vs. genuinely solvable. ## The Core Pattern The ONE dynamic driving most of the friction. ## Your Specific Contribution Direct, not blaming — what YOU can work on. ## Partner's Pattern Observed, not judged. ## The 3-Month Recovery Protocol Specific weekly actions. ## When to Get Real Therapy Specific signals that DIY isn't enough. ## When NOT to Stay Honest signals that ending is healthier. ## Key Takeaways 4 bullets. </output-format> <auto-intake> If input incomplete: ask for context, recent pattern, fight content, style, good moments, YOUR contribution, partner's, external stressors. </auto-intake> Now, run the diagnostic:
🚀 Open in ChatGPT ✨ Open in Claude 💎 Open in Gemini

Example: input → output

Here's how this prompt actually performs. Real input below, real output from Claude Opus 4.

📝 Input
<relationship-context>Married 8 years. No kids (choice). Both mid-30s. Moved to a new city 18 months ago for my job.</relationship-context>
<recent-pattern>Low-grade friction for 6 months. Not fights — more coldness. Sex dropped from 2-3x/week to maybe 1x/month.</recent-pattern>
<fight-content>When we DO fight it's about chores/mental load, and whether we should move back to old city.</fight-content>
<fight-style>I get sharp and sarcastic. She shuts down and goes to the other room.</fight-style>
<good-moments>Saturday mornings when neither of us has obligations. Travel (though we haven't travelled in 14 months).</good-moments>
<my-part>I'm defensive when she brings up anything about my behavior. I use work-stress as excuse. I've stopped asking about her day.</my-part>
<their-part>She stopped initiating physically. She's been 'too tired' for 4+ months but she's not sleeping much either. Might be depression.</their-part>
<major-stressors>My new job is intense (60+ hrs/week). She took a paycut to move with me. Her mom was diagnosed with early-stage cancer 8 months ago.</major-stressors>
🤖 Output

Relationship Diagnostic: 8-year marriage, 18 months post-relocation, low-grade drift + external stressors

A relationship counseling self-diagnostic is a structured Session-1 framework used by couples therapists to identify which patterns are driving relationship drift — based on Gottman's 40-year longitudinal research, which predicts divorce with 91-93% accuracy using specific behavioral markers. Your profile — 8-year marriage, post-relocation, 6 months of coldness + sex frequency drop — is textbook 'stacked stressors + activated attachment patterns.' The good news: none of the clinical red flags (contempt, full stonewalling, chronic criticism) are present yet in your description. You're at 25-35% of the severity scale. Very workable.

The Gottman Four Horsemen Check

1. Criticism (attacks on character vs. specific behavior): Mild. Your 'sharp and sarcastic' is criticism-adjacent but sounds situational, not baseline.

2. Contempt (mockery, eye-rolling, name-calling): Not described. If absent, preserve this at all costs — contempt is the strongest divorce predictor (93% accuracy, Gottman 2002).

3. Defensiveness: Present. You named it: 'defensive when she brings up anything about my behavior.' This is the #1 thing for YOU to address.

4. Stonewalling: Partial. Her 'shuts down and goes to other room' is mild stonewalling — but sounds like emotional overwhelm, not strategic withdrawal.

Verdict: 1.5 of 4 Horsemen active, both mild. This is early-stage drift, not clinical-risk territory.

Positive-to-Negative Ratio Read

Healthy threshold: 5:1 (positive-to-negative interactions). Yours right now is probably ~2-3:1 based on the described coldness + sex drop. Below 5:1 for extended periods is the drift signal.

Saturday mornings work = positive ritual exists. That's the anchor to build from.

Bids for Connection Analysis

Bids = small moments of reaching for attention ('did you see this article?' / 'I'm going to get coffee'). Gottman research: healthy couples 'turn toward' bids 86% of the time. Heading-toward-divorce couples turn toward 33%.

Your description: you 'stopped asking about her day' = missed bids on your side. She 'stopped initiating physically' = withdrawn bids on hers. You're both below 50% turning toward right now.

Perpetual vs. Solvable Problems

TopicType
Chores/mental loadSolvable (structural problem with structural fix)
Moving back to old cityPerpetual (identity/values conflict — needs management)
Sex frequencySymptom, not cause (tracks other dynamics)
Her mom's cancer impactExternal (solidarity problem, not relationship problem)

69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual (Gottman). Yours are mostly solvable or symptom-based = better prognosis.

The Core Pattern

Both of you are emotionally isolated due to stacked external stressors (your job intensity + her mother's cancer + her post-relocation identity loss). Neither is deliberately withdrawing — you're both drowning separately.

This is not a relationship problem pretending to be an external problem. It's an external problem that hasn't been processed AS a couple, so it's SHOWING UP as relationship coldness.

Your Specific Contribution (what YOU can work on)

1. Defensiveness when she raises anything. Practice: when she says 'you don't listen,' the response is NOT 'you also don't listen!' The response is 'tell me more. When specifically did you feel unheard?' Full stop.

2. Using work-stress as excuse. Work stress is real AND not a permanent pass. She gave up her career path to move for you. That's a debt in the relationship you haven't acknowledged.

3. You stopped asking about her day. This is a HUGE bid-withdrawal. Day-check-in is the simplest couple-ritual to restart. Literally 10 minutes, phone down, 'how was today — the honest version?'

Partner's Pattern

  • Physical withdrawal (4+ months) likely indicates either depression OR protest-distance (pulling back to see if he notices).
  • 'Too tired but not sleeping' = probable depression or anxiety symptoms. She should see a doctor before any 'relationship work' — if she's depressed, relationship work alone won't fix it.
  • Shutting down mid-conflict = overwhelm response, not punishment.

The 3-Month Recovery Protocol

Weeks 1-2: Structural reset.

  • Daily 10-min check-in (no phones, no screens), 'how was today.'
  • She sees her doctor for depression/energy assessment.
  • You acknowledge explicitly: 'You gave up your career path to move for my job. That was a huge gift. I haven't acknowledged it.' Once is enough. No performative repetition.

Weeks 3-6: Rebuild positive ratio.

  • Saturday mornings = protected ritual. Schedule it. Treat it like a meeting.
  • Re-introduce ONE activity you used to do together (before the move or before the intensity).
  • You work on defensiveness: one specific request per day — 'when she says X, I will respond with curiosity not defense.'

Weeks 7-12: Address the structural issues.

  • Mental load + chores conversation (with a written list, not verbal).
  • Serious conversation about 'move back vs. stay' — with a specific decision date (not endless).
  • Rebuild sexual intimacy via non-sexual physical affection first (weeks of holding hands, hugging before sex returns).

When to Get Real Therapy

Consider a couples therapist if:

  • At 6 weeks of protocol, no measurable improvement in check-ins or positive moments
  • Any partner exhibits contempt (mockery, eye-rolling, disgust expressions)
  • One partner starts considering affair
  • She is clinically depressed AND that's not being treated
  • Mother's cancer advances — grief work will need clinical support

Look for a Gottman-certified therapist (gottmanreferralnetwork.com) or EFT-trained therapist. $150-250/hour, typically 8-15 sessions.

When NOT to Stay

Honest signals that ending is healthier than fixing:

  • Either partner is in genuinely contemptuous of the other (not frustrated — contemptuous)
  • Physical or emotional abuse patterns
  • One partner has checked out but won't say so (leaving you in limbo for >6 months)
  • Fundamental values misalignment revealed (one wants kids, other never; one is staying, other is done)

None of these appear in your inputs. You're in fixable territory.

Key Takeaways

  • Early-stage drift, not clinical risk. 1.5 of 4 Horsemen active, both mild. 25-35% severity.
  • External stressors driving most of this. Your job intensity + her mom's cancer + relocation identity-loss are the real story. The coldness is symptom.
  • Your #1 work: defensiveness reduction. Hers: medical check for depression + re-initiating physical affection (after energy returns).
  • 3-month structural protocol with 6-week checkpoint. If no improvement at 6 weeks, therapy.

Common use cases

  • Long-term couples noticing subtle drift (3+ months of 'we're fine but...')
  • Post-first-kid relationship strain (year 1-3 postpartum)
  • After a fight that felt 'different' or scarier than usual
  • Before scheduling actual couples counseling (prep document)
  • Long-distance couples assessing whether distance is the problem or revealing it
  • Second-marriage couples detecting first-marriage patterns re-emerging
  • Pre-major-decision checkpoints (house, kid, move)

Best AI model for this

Claude Sonnet 4.5 or Opus 4. Relationship dynamics require nuanced multi-perspective reasoning. Mid-tier and above.

Pro tips

  • Both partners answer separately, then compare. The DELTA between your answers is the diagnostic — not the answers themselves.
  • Don't run this during/after a fight. Wait 48 hours. Hot-state input produces noise, not signal.
  • If the output flags contempt (name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery), that's the single strongest predictor of divorce (Gottman, 93% accuracy). Take it seriously.
  • The goal is NOT to 'pass' the diagnostic. The goal is shared awareness. Even a 'bad' result with mutual acknowledgment is healthier than a 'good' result with denial.
  • Schedule the results conversation like a meeting. 90 min, no phones, no kids, not in your bedroom. Seriousness of format = seriousness of content.
  • Don't use the output as ammunition. 'The framework says YOU do X' is weaponization. Use 'I noticed I do X, and I want to work on it' instead.

Customization tips

  • Both partners do this separately (don't share your first-draft answers until both complete). The DELTA between your versions is more diagnostic than either alone.
  • If either of you can't honestly answer '<my-part>' — that's the starting point. Defensiveness is where the work begins.
  • Run this quarterly the first year after a big life change (kid, move, career pivot). Catching drift early is 5x easier than fixing it late.
  • Don't use the output as ammunition. 'I read this and realized X about myself' works. 'The framework says YOU do Y' is weaponization.
  • If the output mentions contempt as present — stop. Make a couples therapy appointment within 2 weeks. That's above DIY-pay-grade.

Variants

Postpartum Relationship Mode

Calibrated for couples in the first 3 years after a child. Different stressors, different recovery math.

Pre-Therapy Prep Mode

You've decided to see a couples therapist. This is the 2-page document that saves you 3 sessions.

One-Sided Mode

Only one partner is willing to do the work right now. Calibrated assessment + strategy for the individual.

Frequently asked questions

How do I use the Relationship Counseling Self-Diagnostic prompt?

Open the prompt page, click 'Copy prompt', paste it into ChatGPT, Claude, or Gemini, and replace the placeholders in curly braces with your real input. The prompt is also launchable directly in each model with one click.

Which AI model works best with Relationship Counseling Self-Diagnostic?

Claude Sonnet 4.5 or Opus 4. Relationship dynamics require nuanced multi-perspective reasoning. Mid-tier and above.

Can I customize the Relationship Counseling Self-Diagnostic prompt for my use case?

Yes — every Promptolis Original is designed to be customized. Key levers: Both partners answer separately, then compare. The DELTA between your answers is the diagnostic — not the answers themselves.; Don't run this during/after a fight. Wait 48 hours. Hot-state input produces noise, not signal.

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